


I wish I could erase the pain you bring (but not the memories)

by arcana_fuse



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Catra raises Adora’s child, Catra really can’t stop thinking about her, Catradora reigns supreme, Enemies to lovers (aftermath), Even In Death, F/F, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Mostly Canon Compliant, Mutual Pining, Post Season 3, Tw self harm implied, flashbacks/constant memories, lots of fluff, may have two parts?, path to being a mother, subtle mentions of past abuse, this is so gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21904822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcana_fuse/pseuds/arcana_fuse
Summary: Even with her gone, Adora still invaded Catra's every semblance of thought.Having a little Adora running around certainly didn't help that fact.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 131





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> welcome! this is my first fic on this site, so I hope you guys enjoy!

"Catra! Come on!" A pair of boots crunched into the frozen dirt, accompanied by a dashing figure beside them.

They struggled to catch up only momentarily; wind hindering their vision by whipping their brunette locks in front of their face. Multicolored eyes narrowed in an attempt to keep them from watering from the bite of the winter air. It wasn't that the feline was slower than her companion by any means, rather inexperienced when it came to sprinting in boots that weren't meant for combat.

The blonde woman that ran beside her was dressed in a purple coat, different from the red jacket Catra remembers she would wear every day shamelessly. The collar, lathered in soft fluff, surrounded her neck in what looked like an undoubtably warm embrace. Her hair was tied back in that dumb ponytail as always, though only because the wind was rippling around them. It was cold; damn cold.

Catra shifted in her own puffy jacket as she jogged beside the blonde, "And... you're sure Queen Shimmer won't kill me if we do this?”

"Maybe if you keep calling her that. Come on, Catra. What are you, scared?" The reply came out muffled, as her face was burrowed in a heavy scarf. Adora gripped her hand tightly, rubbing her thumb over her frozen knuckle as if to subtly comfort her. As if she hadn't just teased her only a moment ago, grin tugging her lips.

_Never. Not when I'm with you._ Though the thought came out more along the lines of, "Ha. Have you already forgotten that I'm not afraid of anything?"

“I'm sure you won't mind going first, then?"

Catra blinked. "I'm _what_ now?" Adora dragged her by the arm toward the shore before she had any more time to question what was happening. The lack of verbal confirmation as to where they were going was worrying, to say the least.

"Check this out," Adora said flatly, finally disconnecting their hands.

Her multicolored eyes finally caught what the blonde had been so adamant to show her. Her heart sunk deep within her chest as she slowly gazed below her, the edge of a cliff crumbling beneath her bare feet. It was what looked to be a ravine. She jumped back in surprise, heart hammering in her chest. The small rocks that had chipped off the edge from where she had previously stood splashed quietly into the water below them.

She quickly realized what the blonde girl was insinuating, eyes blown wide.

Adora was fucking with her, right? _Cliff diving_ is what they snuck out to do at three in the morning?

It was cold as a bitch! And.. Heights. Oh gods. Heights were one thing; Catra had braved them many times before, it was as simple as clearing your mind to ignore the impending danger. But water waiting for her at the bottom? It looked like nothing more than suicide to Catra.

A smug voice from beside her chided,

"What happened to not being afraid of anything?"

Could Adora have possibly said it any more nonchalant? And if anyone could glare daggers, it was Catra. She pressed her lips together in a fine line and held back some.. choice words she had for Adora. 

  
Adora quickly came to her own defense, "Look, I know you're not a fan of water..." Catra's ear twitched, and she almost felt surprised that Adora cared enough to remember that fact so vividly, "But I swear this is fun. It's an amazing feeling, falling so far, for so long."

Catra blinked as if unable to believe what she was hearing— it was decided, Adora had officially lost it. She argued fiercely, "Do you have some kind of deathwish? It's cold as shit! Gods, Adora, you have a kid to look after!"

A hum came in response. "I mean, there is a reason you're going first."

Catra bared her incisors. "I hate you."

"No you don't." She was right, and Catra hated that even more than the merciless cold that surrounded them, a groan of annoyance following.

She gazed once more at the terrifying void below them, eyes like saucers. _Holy hell_. Though, despite the tense nature of their situation, Catra couldn't help but feel a comfortable weight settle upon her. They were grown now; but doing stuff like this, it made Catra feel like they were teenagers again. Causing trouble in the halls of the Fright Zone in the middle of the night. Being rebellious for no reason other than stupid dares and their competitive impulsiveness.

No words were even spoken between the two more than these summons, the exchanges usually going something like,

"You won't."

"I bet you today _and_ tomorrow's ration bars that I will,"

"Deal."

So what could Catra expect when, presently, she had stripped herself of her warm clothing, giving in to Adora's dull-witted challenge as she always did. Now she was left in only a grey tshirt and her undergarments, but while doing something as terrifying as the least of her worries was showing a little skin.

She glared daggers at Adora, tan skin prickling in the stale air, becoming terribly numb in reprisal. Hardly embarrassed that she stood before her half naked and shivering. The blonde's arms were crossed and a smirk caught her features as she waited for Catra's next move. Catra made sure to gift Adora her middle finger before dashing to the edge of the cliff and launching off of it.

The first thing Catra felt was the air in her lungs dissipate. She'd never fallen this far before— not willingly, at least. And Adora had been right about one thing. It was truly an amazing feeling, watching her surroundings seemingly plummet from around her, like she was traveling through time— but it was also absolutely _terrifying_. 

And before she could even blink a second time she had suddenly crashed into the water. Her body submerged a couple feet, and she felt her skin sizzle like fire in the icy temperature. Her instincts kicking into panic mode, she quickly swam to the surface.

As soon as she broke to the air, she heard a loud splash resonate to her right and Adora emerged from beside her, laughing.

Seeing Adora's mischevious smile and soaked blonde hair had almost made the feline forget that it was well below freezing outside, that she'd undoubtably get sick from the braving the bitter temperature of the water which encased them. Adora led her into the shallow water, and they splashed one another relentlessly, wrestling beneath the soft waves of the shore. Adora always said they'd one day go out to the sea— albeit to Catra's despair at the mention of water— and swim for no reason other than to rightfully exercise their freedom. The happiness Catra felt from doing just that, fulfilling their childhood fantasies, it was truly an irreplaceable feeling. And there was nobody else she'd rather share that with than Adora. The smile on her face unwavering, the immeasurable joy she wore like a crown.

**3 years later | Present.**

The sunset really didn't do Bright Moon any justice.

At least, that's what Catra would tell Scorpia every day as it spread across the horizon. The place was already so bright and sparkly that the vibrant array made little difference. Fingers of burnt orange and a deep crimson intermingled in what looked like the fiercest of battles. Though, the piercing sunset always came to a dark and abrupt end come the next day. Catra thought it was fitting. 

Her legs dangled off of a cliff closest to the steel shore. The waves pounded against it, though the cliff stood unmoving and roughshod in response. Normally heights like this would have her keeping her distance, but she’d long since grown out of that fear.

Catra could taste the salt in the air, her eyes stung and her mouth felt bitter.

The last thing she wanted to do was stay in Bright moon— though the view was admittedly beautiful, it did nothing to mask the cruel memories that had sanctioned themselves in this place. Waking up here was more of a task than ever; clearly able to see her past self trudging across the grounds, her once noxious intentions unyielding. Catra's ear twitched in retaliation when Scorpia glanced in her direction, catching her thoughtful gaze. It had been silent between them for the thirty minutes they had sat since words often failed the both of them. Especially considering Catra's tendency to entrench herself in the past.

Her multicolored eyes fell upon the shoreline. People giggled at the mouth of the water, splashing one another, smiles stretching across their stupid, soaked faces. Parents carefully guided their children and kept their eyes locked onto them at all times. Both sheer joy and concern emitted from them.

The sight brought bile to the back of Catra's throat. She knows something like that shouldn't evoke such a disgusted response, the sight of peace and joy, but she couldn't help it.

Occurrences such as these she would never get used to. "I hate this," Catra admitted, screwing her eyes shut, praying her stomach would cease to turn. It would be a lie if she said she wasn't unaccustomed to spilling her darkest thoughts to other people. At least.. she hadn't bothered doing so in a very, very long time. Not since long before this all started.

A quiet shift resonated from beside her. "I know," Scorpia responded swiftly, turning back toward the shore, clawed arms stretching behind her. "I know you do."

Of course she did. Scorpia had always been the friend she never deserved; one of the few she was sure she'd lose. Catra felt her ears fell flat at the thought, a sigh escaping her lips and drifting slowly throughout the air. Some people that had always stayed by her side.. she never really understood.

Catra swallowed hard. Scorpia was always someone she could confide in, and probably the only one she would. 

"I know I say this nearly every day... but..." her eyes followed the outlines of clouds as she spoke,

"I.. I miss her. I can't stop imagining her stupid face, sitting beside me, laughing." Though she nearly whispered it, it was true. In every hue of soft sky blue, every golden strand, she could see Adora and Adora only. Her heart yearned for just one more glimpse, one more soft embrace. It throbbed unbearably.

Scorpia looked at her, soft and understanding. Showing her she was listening.

"I know it's dumb. That even years later, I'm still broken. Even at the simple thought of her." her head spun, and she dug her sharp nails into her palms. It wasn't anger that she felt, rather disappointment in herself. Among numerous thoughts, at times she wondered if she hadn't made good use of the little moments they had. Her selfishness, at the time, had torn at her sense of reason relentlessly.

They could've had so much more time.

Scorpia shook her head, brows knit irefully. "Thats not dumb at all, Catra, how would that ever be dumb? You guys... you guys loved each other. Something like that... it never really goes away." Scorpia said, the smoke of the cold air drawn from her lips. Catra shuddered at the thought. For so long she had mistaken hate for love. She loved Adora. Saying that still felt.. foreign to her. But still so right.

Two sides of a war, two sides of a shattered heart. The things that happened in between didn't matter. To Catra, they were blurry, and meaningless. And they weren't things she'd ever want to discuss moving forward.

And reconciling with Adora... she had done it. It had seemed like an impossible dream, like Catra was too far gone, distanced herself to the point of no return. But it had been made possible. She had expected Adora to make it possible— she made _anything_ possible.

Even so, there was a lot of change Catra had to deal with. One being, expectedly, her lack of free reign on the grounds of Bright moon considering her previous war crimes.That much was understandable. She knew she could adapt to something as simple as that. The one thing she didn't expect at the end of the war, however, was to come face to face with a child. And not just any child,

Adora's three-year-old daughter.

_Adora's_.

It raised one hell of lot of questions, surely. One being, when? .. _Who_? During the war, Catra had no knowledge of Adora having a pregnancy, much less conceiving a child. Not to mention she'd had her some years ago. But the most important question had come shortly after Adora had drawn her final breath— why did she trust Catra, and Catra alone, to take care of her?

She never got an answer to any of these questions, unfortunately. But at some point she had put those burning speculations to rest, burying them somewhere deep inside herself. Because only one thing mattered now.

Sure, she wouldn't lie and say she didn't feel a void expand in her heart the night the Bright Moon guards showed up at her cabin on castle grounds. Initially, she had thought she had been caught red-handed for vandalizing Queen Glimmer's statue with raw eggs—though she preferred to call it _decorating_ , the stone was so painfully bland. The yoke was laced with purple dye, and after admiring her handiwork she decided that it had really ended up complimenting the surrounding castle buildings. Catra couldn't help the innate mischief that surged through her blood, after all.

She had expected a warning. A lecture straight from the queen herself, a letter prompting a meetup between the two. That's what usually resulted from her devilry, anyway. But what she didn't expect to hear, was,

"By the written order of She-ra," the guard spoke formally, Catra hated that, "she has ordered custody of her daughter, Antebellum, to you, Catra."

The thickness of the air that resided between them seemed to make the guards seem millions of miles away.

It was times like these where Catra desperately wished she could remember how to use her lungs. She had almost forgotten that even though Adora was gone, her daughter still remained nonetheless. She supposed she had just figured the responsibility would, naturally, fall to someone suitable.

But here these two men stood before her, diminishing that assumption before her eyes.

She nearly choked on her own words. This didn't make any sense to her. "You mean.. I-I don't understand. She didn't leave her to her one sparkly friend, glitter? Or the one with the stupid hearts on their clothes? They're far more capable of raising a child, I—"

The guards wasted no time in laying out the irrefutable terms, "If you reject custody, she will be sent to the county foster home, as per the rules of the agreement. The only person that is legally permitted to take her is you. Do you reject custody?" Their voice was firm and empty. Almost like they didn't care about the intensity of the situation, the outcome.

_Reject_. The word weaved like a shockwave throughout her ear canal, igniting her body. It seemed to refurbish a fire of despair she had let lay stationary for years. It was a word she had become quite accustomed to throughout her own childhood, her life— just hearing it pass their lips left Catra feeling hollow.

She took a moment to collect herself, blinking rapidly. Was this for real? She was all but twenty years old and had little to no experience with children, mind you the two months she had been here, and even then she had barely had the chance to interact with Antebellum. Adora's sickness had absorbed the large majority— no, rather, all of her time. She had told Catra she didn't want her daughter to be worried about her, so the only times she'd spoken with the child was when Catra had taken care of her a few nights when Adora wasn't allowed to leave the infirmity. Though, Catra had already provided enough worry toward Adora's sickness to single-handedly supply the entire kingdom.

Admittedly, there was an obvious reason she didn't want to spend too much time around Antebellum. Even now, years later, Catra knows she had promised to take care of her.

But.... some days it was overwhelming. It hurt far too much. Antebellum was essentially a walking, talking copy of Adora; who she'd never get to see again. And that was quite a terrifying thought that Catra really and truly hadn't completely accepted yet, even now.

When she was first given that weighted responsibility millions of thoughts tormented her mind. What if.. Antebellum hated her? What if Catra couldn't give her what she deserved? Hell, Catra could hardly care for herself, so inviting a child into her fucked up life was probably the last thing the kid needed. Parenting was obviously no walk in the park, Shadow Weaver had at least taught her that much. She'd be letting everyone down if she failed this task: Antebellum, herself, and most importantly, Adora.

_Adora_. The name rolled off her tongue so blatantly, so naturally, even despite her absense. Adora, who had entrusted Catra of all people to partake in custody of her child. Had she forgotten the surplus of attacks Catra had been responsible for that had put the rebellion at risk? How she had (on numerous occasions) nearly had Adora killed, left her for dead? How she had once gone as far as destroy reality simply out of... spite?

They had pushed past these things by now, of course, considering the war had ended some years ago, as did their feud. But it didn't mean Catra, now twenty-four years old, had suddenly erased the weight that had accumulated within her heart from her former actions. 

Regardless of these thoughts she knew one thing was for certain. She could imagine Adora watching her now, already anticipating that she'd say,

"I accept custody."

A voice sliced through these reminiscent thoughts. "—Catra? You zoned out a bit. Just letting you know it's six thirty." Scorpia raised an eyebrow, tapping her wrist.

Catra blinked. "Oh, right. I need to pick up Belle' from training," Even now, months later, Catra hadn't gotten used to using her full name, disgusted at how extra Adora had been when assigning it. Antebellum. She had claimed the reason behind it was its meaning, "before the war," giving a sappy explanation at how her daughter would grow to be better than the chaos they had once endured. Catra never understood Adora's impulsive and cheesy symbolism, nor the reason she had to supply it onto her daughter. Which is why she'd made a suiting nickname for the poor child.

She pushed herself off the ledge with her palms, dusting the sand off of her outfit.

"I'll walk you?" Scorpia offered.

Catra shook her head as if to politely dismiss the offer. "I'll take the trees, it's late anyways. I know you want to get to the ball on time. Go ahead."

Scorpia nodded, knowing better than to argue. "Be safe and don't fall, Wildcat."

"I never do."

——————

Weaving her way through the trees was like second nature to Catra, now. She wasn't allowed to go out into the Whispering Woods back in the Horde, wasn't allowed to climb and run and experience this sort of freedom that should've came naturally to her. Her eyes darted quickly as she scanned for any stable branches she could find, leaping as high as she could, strong arms gripping onto thick ledges and smooth grooves in the bark. The soft breeze weaved it's way through her dark locks, cooling her thoughts, and, oddly enough, it felt like home.

Though the view gifted to her from such an immeasurable height was stunning, Catra hadn't come to admire her surroundings. She found a good stopping point on an ancient oak tree and slowly scaled herself down from it. She crouched down on a stable branch closer to the ground, scanning the area below her idly. She saw children leaving with their parents, some in little clusters, but Catra didn't see Antebellum. Her ears twitched in concern.

"Cat-ra!" A voice behind her squeaked, and Catra _almost_ fell out of the tree in surprise. She grasped the branch beside her and managed to quickly scramble for a foothold and keep herself grounded, eyes wide as she turned and made eye contact with the one who her eyes had previously scoured for. Antebellum.

Her tail swished between her legs in unspoken surpise. To say she was taken aback was an understatement, and she scolded her quickly. "D-don't scare me like that, kid!"

Antebellum quickly appeared sorrowful. Maybe.. teaching her how to climb trees wasn't the wisest decision. She wasn't built for it like Catra, surely, but that hadn't stopped her from scaling them effortlessly and quite unlike a normal human. And she had insisted she wanted nothing more than to learn, not to mention Catra found it rather difficult to say no to those big blue eyes. She'd always had that problem.

"I'm sorry. It's just, I saw you and I wanted to show you how good I was at climb-ing. I wanted to be like you." She squeaked, ears burning red, almost as if she were ashamed.

It was quite adorable. Nobody had ever looked up to Catra like this before.

"Okay, okay. I admit, I'm impressed." Catra laughed, shuffling forward on the branch. She grabbed Belle by her sides, lifting her onto her lean shoulders. She knew all too well from her own experience that validation was one of the most important things you could give a young soldier. But at the same time, she was still quite oblivious, needing to be watched and protected with a close eye. "I'm gonna take us down for now so we don't get hurt," she gripped her legs firmly, making sure Belle didn't budge as she slid down the trunk of the tree. When her feet met ground, she set the girl down.

She was unphased by the remark, a quick burst of energy coiling throughout her small body. "Let's race, Catra!"

Before Catra could even utter a word further, she spoke again, "I'll bet I'm faster than mommy. Could you beat my mommy in a race, Cat-ra?" Her eyes were wide like saucers with question.

"Pft, of course." Was it even up for debate? Agility was, in fact, her strong suit. Adora was.. well, stronger, she supposed. Probably both physically and emotionally. She'd never admit that to her face, though, even now.

The blonde girl thought for a moment. "...Even with her magic sword?"

Catra snorted. "Ha. Your mom was always slow, _much_ slower than me, no matter what form she took," she took a moment to grin cockily, "But.. I'll teach you how to be fast."

"Fast!" Belle grinned from ear to ear, running around Catra in a flash, pumping her arms in concentration. Catra felt a surge of pride at the child's excitement. She could unmistakably tell she was a carbon copy of Adora, determined and competitive, as sweat glistened on her tiny forehead while she raced Catra almost effortlessly. Only difference being, Adora didn't enjoy running, always lamenting on how much she preferred the cosmetics and art of the fight. Not to mention was a total nerd about it. The thought made Catra frown at how that mindset was, eventually, the cause of her downfall.

"What's it like being the slowest person in all of Etheria?" Catra was perched high on the ledge where her and Adora often met up when their evening break came along. It gave the impression of a balcony, though the only way to access it was through this vigorous climbing process. It was an untouched spot, where Catra would sneak up items that they weren't supposed to have, ranging from rampant daggers to something as harmless as a nail file. It was, in short, a perfect and momentary escape from their responsibilities within the Horde.

The night sky was taking hold of the horizon and the duo was most certainly aware that they had to be back in the barracks by midnight. Unfortunately, it took Adora twice as long as Catra to scale the large height.

Adora grumbled, gripping tightly at various grooves in the structure and slowly pulling herself up, "Not my fault, Catra. I don't have.. claws." She seemed out of breath. She usually never was, even in their most advanced training sessions. Seems Catra had found her calling where Adora didn't.

The edges of Catra's mouth lifted in a grin. "Ugh. Humans are like, _so lame_." Catra stuck out her tongue, crossing her arms. Adora had only just made it to the top during the snide remark.

"Hey! Take that back!" Adora threw herself at Catra, giggling, knocking her to the ground. The feline hissed in surprise at the action, falling backward onto her elbows. She then grinned, shaking her head and grasped Adora's forearm to push her forward, hard.

"Never!" Catra mused. She was a stubborn person, even when she was small, but she still knew how to dish proper banter. Especially with Adora who she knew like the back of her hand.

"I'll show you lame." Adora challenged.

Catra's tail swished furiously as Adora launched herself forward, and she barely had enough time to dodge her. Adora quickly turned around in time to grip Catra's ankle when she attempted to dash away further, throwing her off balance. They tussled with one another, Catra knocking Adora off of her by pushing at her chest with her legs. They often wrestled like this, sparring in a way as if to show their unwavering dedication toward one another.

When they wrestled alone, it was far from a real combat situation. Different from their spars during training. Not under close inspection or supervision, neither of them had much to prove to the other, nor the judging eyes of their superiors. But that did little to extinguish their competitive spirits.

Adora smirked, managing to wrap an arm around Catra tightly, pulling her toward her with a rough jerk and rubbing her knuckle against Catra's sensitive scalp. "Hey! No Nougies!" She gasped, hissing and struggling, but Adora's headlock had her good, strong arms unrelenting.

Unable to escape her grip, Catra bared her fangs, sinking her teeth into Adora's elbow only slightly. It was enough to make her jump in surprise and release her.

"Stop playing dirty, Catra!" She squealed, making sure to noticeably cradle her arm in pain. She'd be fine. Adora was always a little dramatic.

"It's not playing dirty... it's called using an advantage." Catra laughed, licking her chapped lips.

"So I should take advantage of that fact that you're ticklish?"Adora quickly jabbed her finger's into Catra's ribcage before she could fully analyze the words, and she jumped what seemed to be a couple feet in the air.

"Aah! I am _not_ ticklish!" She denied swiftly, arms flying to protect her sides.

"I'll bet you aren't," Adora laughed loudly, continuing to poke at Catra's ribs as she attempted to dash away, not caring that she had snorted.

As Catra attempted to evade Adora's torturous touch, she quietly noted that Adora's laughter was something she would never get tired of. She would try to draw it out whenever possible; even if it was at the expense of her own dignity.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by the sudden sound of a branch snapping, and Catra turned around quickly just in time to catch Belle in the middle of a stumble over thick tree roots in her path.

The girl fell in her arms, her nose on the verge of crashing into the dirt when Catra barely stopped the fall. Belle' giggled as if nothing had happened, instead accepting Catra's strong arms as an embrace. The feline noted that she was irrefutably warm.

Her nose nuzzled itself into the crook of Catra's neck. Belle breathed heavily, smooth fingers latching onto Catra's shoulders. "Did I do it? Do you think I beat mommy?"

"Without a doubt," Catra spoke softly, feeling a familiar pang in her heart at the mention, "already so much faster," She smiled at how unphased she was, even after nearly smashing her face in. She was so strong. So unrelenting. So Ador—

"I'll beat you next!" She suddenly shoved Catra away, dashing as fast as her little legs would take her. Catra still stood motionless, caught off guard by her sudden bolt of speed. The competitive spirit residing within this child nearly tripled that of her own, which was quite admirable considering her tendency to avoid admitting her wrongs.

She turned around and allowed herself a smile, tail lashing furiously as it often did when presented with a challenge. "Maybe one day Belle," she began to trail behind the little girl, picking up speed as her feet crunched the grass beneath her toes. Once she had caught up to her, she gathered her in her arms, lifting her from beneath the armpits.

"—but for now, I'm the fastest cat in Bright Moon!"

Belle squealed in surprise, struggling against Catra's grip but to no avail. Catra grinned, "And the fastest in... all of Etheria!"

A squeak emitted in response as Catra held Antebellum high in the air, and she kicked and struggled in retaliation. "No fair!"

Catra finally set her down in front of her, releasing her from the iron grip. Her blonde hair, though noticeably much darker than her mother's, sparkled with the faint color of the sun, ruffled and messy from the wind catching hold of it. Catra had cut it to a little past her shoulders as per Antebellum's own request, lamenting that long hair was much too difficult to take care of and got in her way— Catra could understand that. She fixed the golden hair pin tucked in her failed attempt at bangs, knowing it was the exact pin Adora had worn at her first princess prom. She had gifted it to Antebellum without much thought; it was a night she'd never forget.

She quickly noticed that today the young girl wore a bright red t-shirt (She loved that color, and judging by her dumb jacket she always wore, Adora did too) that was mercilessly splattered in mud from her clumsiness. It was a bit oversized on her, baggy around her arms and tied in the back to help stay on her frail figure. This came from her being a bit small for her age, smaller than the other kids, but it did little to distract from her fierce attitude that was immeasurable in comparison.

Catra eyed the mess that had gathered itself on the young girl's head, terribly frizzy from their run. "Belle, come here. Let me fix you up." They had to head to the ball in a couple of hours, that was, if the young girl would comply with getting ready. She was always so stubborn getting dressed.

She didn't mind it when Catra did her hair, though. Belle plopped onto her lap without protest, finally calmed down, and Catra used her claws to brush through her short hair. It was soft to the touch, silky and wavy, not at all like Catra's. But different didn't bother her. Not anymore.

She weaved through her hair, slowly, swallowing harshly. Back in the Fright Zone, some decade ago, Catra remembered this moment like it was her own.

Almost every evening she found herself draped across her cot in the barracks, Adora's fingers forcing their way through her seemingly untamable mass of hair. Two hours past lights out and Adora would remain determined to challenge what seemingly could not be fixed. Catra would groan in despair when her hair ripped because a tangle was too far gone, fingers gripping the sheets in pain.

Adora would whisper sharply,

"Sit still, Catra. I'm almost done."

Sometimes she felt like chopping it all off. It was but an obstacle interfering with her Horde-related tasks, not to mention any attempt at maintaining it hurt. Adora begged against it. She said she loved it, loved the curls that fell past her shoulders, the way the mass of hair framed her tiny face. Adora would deal with it. Even if it meant sitting there for hours every day, clawing at it relentlessly, brushing it.

So Catra kept it that way. And she had to admit, Adora's soft fingers massaging her scalp certainly wasn't the worst feeling in the world.

The silence between them as Adora fought with her curly strands was estranged. Catra, shamelessly sprawled across the blonde, could hear Adora's soft heartbeat with the help of her sensitive ears. She wondered why it raced so rapidly.

These kinds of wordless touches, soft and firm, seemed to suck the air out of both of their lungs. Though neither of them would ever think to address it. Being so young meant having little to no perception of what it meant.

Meanwhile, the dark shadows seeping through the windows come midnight seemed to take hold of the room. It seemed like every time Adora had her fingers shoved into Catra's hair, that was when their most meaningful conversations would ensue.

Adora whispered softly, not wanting to awaken other cadets, "Catra, do you think that maybe someday we'll get out of here?" She continued to run her fingers through Catra's grey tufts by her sensitive ears mindlessly. She secretly found them to be rather adorable.

Catra blinked as if taken by surprise.

"...Why? What's wrong with staying right here?" Her heart hammered in her chest at Adora's random question. It challenged their routine, and therefore threatened their consistency. To Catra, the thought surpassed terrifying.

"Well.. don't you want to see what's outside of the Fright Zone?" Adora was always too adventurous for her own good. Mischief was one thing, Catra was on top of that, but leaving the Fright Zone? It was.. completely out of the question. At least not for a very long time. 

She had always said she and Adora would leave someday and rule Etheria together, but at the same time if that were to happen... would they still have these nightly traditions? Would they remain best friends? Or would they part their separate ways, Adora not needing her anymore? Catra didn't even know if she still wanted what they always said they dreamed of. She was starting to change her mind.

There was a couple of minutes of silence punctuating this remark, only Adora's soft breaths accompanying it.

Catra hated crushing Adora's spirit. She knew she was being selfish by doing so.

"The Fright Zone is our home, Adora. Plus, when we continue to kick butt like we always do, Shadow Weaver will have no choice but to promote us both!" She may have come off a bit eager there, sure, "Then, they'll send us all over Etheria to see all the cool places we've never been. Right?" What she said was hardly convincing, and she knew Adora saw right through the words. But Catra hated change. That much was obvious.

"I don't know.." Adora trailed off and chewed her lip, probably thinking she sounded stupid. Catra kind of thought so.

_But I just want things to stay here. To stay the same. To stay with you._

But she should've known that Adora wouldn't simply drop the subject. She was persistent in that terrifying way, after all. And when Adora joined the rebellion, leaving the Fright Zone forever like she had once propositioned, there was nobody left to comb through Catra's hair.

Belle filled the silence that had suddenly emerged between her and Catra, one that the little girl had over time become more understanding of. It wasn't rare for Catra to get lost in her thoughts; in her memories. Especially when it came to Adora.

"Can I ask a question?" Belle said, humming.

"Shoot." Catra blinked out of her daze, slowly. Like her vision had faded from around her.

"I was just wondering.. If... If mommy is gone, does that mean that you are also my mommy, then, Cat-ra?"

Catra felt her ears fold back at the question, a surge catching in the back of her throat. She surely hadn't expected that. It was a valid assumption, really, considering Catra was her new caretaker, and Adora's sudden absence surrounded them like an unspoken whisper. That didn't make it any easier to find a response.

"I..." she let out a breath, knowing this discussion would have to come sooner rather than later. She had easily expected it, but still had no answer to give.

She was her caretaker, yes, so that definitely put her in Antebellum's perception of her guardian, and eventually, her mother. But the problem with that word was the weight that it carried with it. It.. made an assumption about her and Adora's relationship, which was never really set in stone. It had been cut agonizingly short when Adora had drawn her final breath.

The worry was imminent in Antebellum's clear orbs as Catra fought amongst herself.

"Do you not want to be?" A frown caught the little girl's features, and she fell back on her haunches.

Blue and gold eyes widened at the assumption. The remark seemed to bite a nerve.

"No! That's not it, Belle, It's just.." Catra screwed her eyelids shut, wondering how she was to explain the wrench of her heart to a five-year-old. She reached out toward the young girl, claws brushing through golden blonde locks once again like she'd never let go.

She was terrible at these kinds of things. Being put on the spot was an obvious trigger for Catra, and it showed in impulsive and negative responses to it in the past. Anyone could see that. A little kid couldn't.

So instead, Catra choked out, "You know I love you, right, kid?"

A quick response. "Yeah. I love you too, Cat-ra." She smiled, shoving her chin into the crook of the feline's neck. She loved to show spontaneous affection, (must be a genetic thing) but this was something Catra wasn't yet used to. Being touch-starved for years on end had no doubt done a number on her, and she was still for a moment.

She thought of how she used to curl up against the back of Adora's legs in their shared cot, finding warmth there when cold nights rolled in. The action was almost instinctual all throughout their childhood. Adora would often tease her about her cat-like habit of sleeping at her feet, and Catra would burn red and claim she had simply fallen asleep and not noticed. But one night, when Catra pulled back the covers and buried her head into Adora's neck, chest heaving softly as she fell asleep in the blonde girls arms, neither of them mentioned it again.

Catra quickly memorized Adora's lavender scent and the evenness of her breaths as they fell into slumber, and wondered if that was weird.

From that point on it had become a nightly tradition for the duo. Catra finding her way beside Adora in their cot, their combined body heat expelling the harsh cold around them, foreheads pressed together in wordless thought.

The Fright Zone had been so cold without Adora's arms.

Belle's soft breaths on Catra's shoulder tickled, making her hair stand on end. Catra ran a hand along her back and continued, "I'm always going to stay with you, Belle, no matter what,"

"No matter what," Belle quickly repeated, as if sounding it out, memorizing it. A shy smile formed on her face at the remark. A dimple had found its place on the edge of her mouth, something Adora didn't have. Different was.. okay. Different was good.

Catra didn't mind that everything was changing. At some point in the past she had found it hard to grasp that concept; the loss of what she was comfortable with, the demolition of her routines. It was, after all, what had torn her and Adora apart from the start. But now she was okay with it. She wanted to be better than before, better for her former companion.

Even if Adora was physically gone, all that had done was further subsidize Catra's determination, her reason for pushing onward. She would make her proud.

And that started with giving her daughter a better chance than was ever offered to them.

"Just know that we're a team, Belle. Always. Even if we're not blood related."

Different isn't always bad, she reminded herself. "So... If that's what it means it be a mother, then yeah. Guess I am."

Belle's grin couldn't have been any wider upon hearing those words. Catra had always considered Belle "under her care," but never truly accepted herself as an actual parent. And that was new, especially the fact that it seemed to be all the little girl could want. It seemed like often times people had reactions that Catra didn't expect.

When finally abandoning the Fright zone and fleeing to Bright Moon in the aftermath of the war, she had anticipated imprisonment. Banishment. In the back of her mind, Adora's former impressions toward Catra screamed that her first instinct would be to exile her former friend, her newfound enemy. But as Catra had come to learn, often times she was completely wrong in her assumptions.

Obviously, the only reason she cared to come to Bright Moon was for Adora. So she didn't bother with the castle doors; instead scaling the tall structure without any hesitance in her mind, scouring the walls, eyes darting for those certain blue orbs. When she was sure she had found which room was Adora's, (she wouldn't lie to herself and say she hadn't already known) she perched herself on her window sill, peering inside.

She met Adora's stern regard almost instantly, as if the blonde had already been expecting her. Then again being raised in the hellhole they called the Fright Zone left one on constant alert. She was on the other side of the room, a scroll she had been previously reading through held tight within her hands, the pages lit underneath a dim orange lamp. She could feel her hair stand on end as Adora approached the window darkly.

The confusion was imminent on her pale face, as if slowly analyzing Catra's form. The feline wondered why Adora hadn't yet gone for the alarm. She had tried to destroy her only a couple of weeks ago, after all. Numerous times now. It was almost like clockwork; an insatiable loop.

Yet, something about the way Catra presented herself to Adora tonight; how her shoulders shook, purple hoods painstakingly present under her multicolored eyes from a streak of sleepless nights, the clear vulnerability she caught in her gaze. Adora knew the feline well enough to know that in this moment Catra was laying down her sword.

Without hesitance, she moved toward the window, fingers curling under the sill and pulling it open. Her eyes never leaving Catra's.

Catra was wordless as the cool night air seemed to mercilessly suck her toward Adora, and she hesitantly staggered inside.

She shook away the cool mist that had settled onto her shoulders. Before Catra could say anything, Adora had already wrapped her arms around her, and this time, the feline didn't flinch. She felt Adora's strong hold enrapture her, noting the clear rippling muscle in her forearms that hadn't been there before, gripping her tightly almost as if having intention to capture her forever. Catra's slender body screamed at her to move. To dash away, far into the whispering woods. Anywhere but here, anywhere but—

"I've missed you," Adora whispered, almost too quiet for Catra to hear, albeit her ear twitched and absorbed the words anyway. "So much," Catra's heart sputtered pathetically as if unable to believe those words had crossed Adora's lips.

Did she really mean that? Catra stopped fighting the embrace, her arms slowly wrapping themselves around Adora's lower back. Still she had no words, now only feeling tears brimming at the corners of her eyelids. Her pupils blown wide as she traced the lines of scars she had gifted Adora, across her shoulders. It had been so easy to hurt Adora when she was She-ra, and it showed. In every bruise and tear in her stupid red jacket that she'd still yet to abandon after all these years, the seared flesh Catra had left behind on the battlefield. A pit had settled in her stomach at the thought of how she had physically ravaged her.

But Adora would still let her hold her anyway.

How did that make any sense? Adora never made any sense.

A part of Catra still resented Adora for so many things, but another part of her was just tired of fighting. Here she was at Adora's mercy, and, for once, they weren't at each other's throats. That's how it used to be, anyway. How it was supposed to be.

—————-

Catra arrived at the ball with Antebellum shortly before eight pm, fashionably late as always. She had a reputation to uphold, after all.

The words _Princess prom!_ were scrawled across the arc of the entrance in the form of a steel blue banner, accompanied by a soft smiley face that was clearly the work of techmaster Bow. He was no artist, but even Catra could appreciate the attempt. The ball was hosted yet again at Frosta's castle, and she tried to ignore the icy walls that surrounded her. She had at some point had intentions of destroying the entire place in her stubborn rage, after all.

"—Hey, Catra!" The first familiar face that greeted them as they entered the palace was in fact Bow. He raised his eyebrows at Catra."Sharp suit."

Bow wore a suit of his own (if you could call the missing stomach piece that) which was a deep grey lined with yellow on his sleeves and long slacks, which Catra thought to be quite an interesting color scheme for the rainbow dork.

"Thanks. Don't look too bad yourself." Catra huffed, straightening her untied tie. Adora loved it when she left it loose.

"...And it looks like little B is looking _extra_ sharp tonight!" Bow crouched down and ruffled Antebellum's head, who laughed and struggled in response.

"Hey croptop, I worked hard to fix that." Catra groaned dramatically, gesturing to the young girl's now shriveled hair.

Bow turned his attention toward the feline, looking apologetic. Though she knew damn well he'd probably do it again without hesitance once her back was turned. "Sorry, Catra! She just looks so adorable! I couldn't help myself."

... _Adorable. Hmph,_ Catra thought solemnly.

"Oh my gosh! You look beautiful!" A familiar voice squealed from behind them. Queen, er— Glimmer stepped into their view, sporting a dark purple dress that hung low on her shoulders, a cut so her leg could protrude with ease, and shimmered brightly (of course, hence the namesake) under the fluorescent lights of the ballroom. Glimmer was a huge sucker for Belle, even more than Bow- which was saying something, considering the dark-skinned man wore his heart on his chest both literally _and_ figuratively. After crouching down to her height, she gave the young girl what looked to be a bone-crunching hug. Kind of amusing for a queen to act so.. childishly. Like she completely lost her head when she saw a cute little girl. Catra smirked and shoved her hands into her pockets, it was good information to know for future reference.

"Thank you, Glitter!" Belle responded and grinned excitedly, eagerly accepting the embrace the queen offered her.

Queen Glimmer's jaw fell open upon hearing how the young girl had referred to her, accusing eyes darting at Catra, who wore a sheepish grin like a crown. _Glitter? Really?_ It seemed Catra had taught Belle a couple of things, divulged in her fair share of mischief. Catra would argue they were... very important things for the young girl to learn.

"You know, you're a terrible influence on her sometimes." Glimmer groaned at the smug feline, crossing her arms. Even though they were both hard on each other, Catra and Glimmer harbored little anger or resentment like they once had. More so.. a mutual understanding. A short-handed friendship, even. Any negative feelings toward one another had diminished in the wake of Adora's sickness, never really returning. But Catra was still going to give her shit either way.

"S'the matter, Sparkles? Don't like nicknames?" Catra knew she was being a complete prick and she was enjoying every second of the look on the queen's helpless face. Call her evil, (it certainly wouldn't be the first time) but to Catra there really was no better fuel for a laugh than the queen's frustration.

She rolled her eyes. "You're impossible."

Catra blinked, feeling her body stiffen at the words. It was true, she once knew someone who had abused that same phrase like it were the only two words in their vocabulary.

"—You're impossible, Catra!" Adora groaned, slumping in the chair she pulled up in front of her mirror. It was the night of their first princess prom together; at least, on the same side of the war. Adora’s hair was up in a bun at the top of her head, half of her face done in makeup while the other remained bare. Gods, she was so indecisive. 

"It's not my fault you're so picky about what you want to wear. You’ll look great, no matter what." Catra shrugged, offering Adora little help on how she wanted to go to princess prom.

Adora released a huff of frustration, undoing her hair for the thousandth time. “You’re no help.”  
  


“I’m not in charge of you, Adora. You can make your own decisions.” She said, crossing her arms to defend herself. Adora wasn’t good at deciding without an external opinion, always eager to please, but Catra wasn’t one to give her that. Which often led to Adora’s frustration in times like these.

”Seems like I’m always the one in charge of you.” Adora muttered.

”You what now? You are _not_ my babysitter!” Catra gaped, looking offended. “If anything, I’m older than you.”

Adora couldn’t contain her snort, “Right. And with age comes maturity?” Sarcasm dripped from her words.   
  
  


“That’s exactly what I’m saying!”

Adora smirked, "Well, I'm taller, so..."

"Are _not_!"

It was true— she was a couple of inches taller than Catra now come adulthood, though when Adora brought it up to tease her it usually meant certain death.

_That stupid sword stunted your growth_ , she would argue.

But when it came to Adora, winning wasn't an option. _So you admit I'm taller, then?_

_I didn't say that!   
  
_

Eventually, Adora had settled on leaving her hair down— Catra certainly approved- as well as a long black laced dress. It was backless, long enough for the end to brush the floor. It was simple, but suited Adora’s figure well.   
  


Walking in Princess prom with her arm linked with Adora’s instead of plotting against her downfall was different than last time, to say the least. It felt.. good. Really good. But the nostalgia was still there, biting at her mind in a senseless and guilty rage. She tried her best to push it down, for the sake of having a good night. 

"You know, Catra. The last time we were here..." Adora gestured to the partygoers around them, and Catra could almost imagine that stunning red dress Adora had worn many years ago at princess prom, "...I wanted nothing more than to slap the stupid, scheming smirk off your face."

It seemed Catra wasn’t the only one thinking about old times. 

"Hm," Catra hadn't expected that remark, flashing her incisors at Adora with a snort. "Trust me, princess, the feeling was mutual."

She recalled her index finger raising and planting itself right between Adora's eyebrows, rubbing the crease that had formed there in her frustration with chasing the feline around princess prom. That always _infuriated_ the blonde. Never failing to tug a stubborn grin onto Catra's lips.

It wasn't often they directly divulged in and discussed the past, considering it wasn't always.. good. But it was better to address it sometimes, to learn upon their mistakes. To laugh about it. Cover the scars they shamefully harbored.

Catra snorted, pushing away these thoughts.

"...You were a shit dancer, by the way."   
  


"Catra!" Adora feigned a hurt expression.

"What? We agreed on one hundred percent honesty with each other, didn't we?" She crossed her arms, lips curled in a grin. Got her there.

Adora ignored the comment.   
“How exactly was I _bad_?" Leave it to Adora to strive for perfection. 

"Oh princess, I was practically carrying your limp self across this ballroom floor. You were like a hypnotized puppy."

Instead of combating the teasing like she often did, Adora admitted, softly,

"..To be fair, you looked really good."

Adora looked better. Effortlessly, too. Catra had shamelessly compiled her best possible appearance for Adora that night, though she'd probably never admit that.

Catra shoved away the nervous warmth that emerged in her chest at the compliment, instead using it to tease the blonde. "Oh, yeah? That stupid red and black suit mixed with the evil and hate-filled tension make you weak in the knees?"

"Nope." No way. Adora would _totally_ be into that sort of shit. The blonde sighed, hand finding the back of her neck in that nervous habit of hers, "Really it was just... you being.. you. I missed you, you know?”

When Adora said stupid, sappy things like that, it affected Catra more than she would like to admit. She wasn't one to blush, her tan skin making it relatively impossible to see any rise of color in her face. When she became flustered, her tail (the damned appendage often betrayed her) would fall curled between her legs, body becoming stiff. It was hard to hide an impulsive action like that from her long-time companion, who'd known her better than anyone else ever since they were kids.

So it wasn't a surprise when she noticed her defensive bodily response.

"Awe, Catra, are you _embarrassed_?" Stupid Adora. That stupid, smug smile she always wore when she gained the upper hand had always made Catra want to disappear instantaneously.

"S-Shut up." Catra hissed, using everything in her power to stop the gesture. 

"No, really. It's a good look for you." Adora punched Catra's shoulder, chucking softly. Even if she was embarrassed, she couldn't shake the happiness she felt from Adora's laugh. It reminded her that things were.. okay between them now.

"We've come a long way, haven't we?" Adora though aloud.

Catra hadn’t expected that, but nonetheless agreed.

"Yeah. Guess we have."

==============

"Can.. can I show you something?" Blue eyes seemed to question her ominously. Watching her like a surveyor. Dare she say.. an admirer.

"'Course." Like Adora even had to ask. Catra would follow her to the ends of the earth if she simply suggested it. So long as they were on equal terms, of course.

Adora exhaled deeply, lost in thought.

"Back in the Fright Zone... d-do you remember when we used to stargaze? Or, there weren't any stars back then, I guess... but..." Catra remembered Adora telling her how Mara had once plunged their planet into Despondos in a desperate effort to protect it. It was hard to wrap her head around initially, sure, but Adora used to be able to turn into an eight foot tall warrior with the help of a magic sword. So there wasn't much to question about that. Adora looked nervous at the insinuation, stammering over her words, so Catra had no trouble helping her out.

Catra nodded. "Yeah. We'd stare at the pitch black void above us, and wonder stupidly what was out there." She mused, ear twitching at the happy memory— wasn't often they touched on those. Some days it almost felt.. out of their reach rather than nostalgic.

"What about it?" Catra's breath caught the cold air.

"I don't know. It's crossed my mind a lot recently. It just.. it meant a lot to me."

Adora was absolute shit at talking about her feelings. That much was obvious. But then again, Catra was really no better in that department. Side effect of being mentally abused in their time residing in the Horde, trained to push petty emotions aside and force themselves onward. To punch and kick their way through obstacles rather than verbally address them. Thank the Gods they found themselves here now rather than stuck there.

They scaled the balcony slowly. Reaching the top, Catra noticed there was a long blanket cast across the patio, pillows scattered messily in a pile in the center. Catra's ears twitched in both confusion and amazement. Had.. Adora done all of this?

Adora broke the silence the feline harbored. "Thought we could do it again. Except this time.. we can really see what's out there now."

_Stargazing_? ...Just the two of them? Catra could feel her tail start to dip between her legs once more, nervousness creeping up her neck.

Adora. What a cheesy bastard. Though, she quietly wondered if this was simply a friendly gesture to further relieve their strained childhood, or something.. else.

They both laid side by side on the blanket, to where they weren't quite touching but could still feel the other's presence beside them. It was comforting, but almost seemed to Catra like they were too far away. The had always been.. so much closer back in the Fright Zone. She swallowed the thought.

Adora broke the silence with what sounded like a relieved, relaxed sigh.

"I'm.... proud of you, Catra. Of us." Did she even know how powerful her stupid words were?

Catra felt her tail start to curl around herself neurotically. _Stop it!_ "Whatever," she stated coolly, fighting back a soft smile, "I'm.. more proud. Of you, I mean. For dealing with me." _Damn. Adora made this sappy shit sound easy._

"Catra!" Adora sputtered, face adorning that shit-eating grin Catra could never get enough of, "It almost sounds like you like me!"

"I _do not_!" Catra gasped.

"That is so _embarrassing_ for you!"

Catra couldn't stop the laughter that erupted from her throat, mixing with Adora's almost naturally, which echoed softly into the night sky. It almost felt like back in the Fright Zone, when they used to mercilessly joke around in a way to show their care for one another. It made Catra feel warm.

"But really, Catra. With you it's never just ' _dealing_ ' with you." Adora said, blue eyes shining with pride.

"I really do enjoy spending time with you." Adora chuckled, and Catra’s mouth felt dry at her words. "And.. I just wish we hadn't wasted so much time." The blonde let out a deep breath, regret lacing her words.

What with her own insecurities and lingering doubts, a claim like that was powerful to Catra. For once, she truly believed that she meant it.

"I know. I do too." Catra couldn't possibly agree more.

Their noses almost touched when they rolled to gaze at one another, their faces only inches apart. Normally, this closeness wouldn't bother Catra, but the way Adora was looking at her... her heart involuntarily leapt in her chest. She seemed to have a different demeanor about her, tonight, the way her eyebrows furrowed tightly in concentration as they often did when she tried to make sense of her nagging thoughts. Leaving that familiar crease between her eyebrows.

".. Catra?" She spoke softly, a lingering question hovering throughout the air. Her eyes fell from maintaining eye contact with with the feline, drawing themselves lower down her face....

"Can I..." they were _so close_ , so close that Adora's uneven breaths tickled Catra's eyelashes. Closeness didn't bother Catra, at least not with Adora. They'd shown a fair share— if not an excessive amount of affection toward one another ever since they were kids.

Though things had been stiffer and more awkward between them since Catra's return, things like this still felt right to the both of them. They weren't little kids anymore, with mischievous intentions, misplaced passions. This was different.

Indeed, Catra could feel a foreign warmth bloom within her chest, quickly spreading all the way to her fingertips. It took her a while to process exactly what Adora was asking her to do; but once she had realized what she had meant, she had frozen in place. She knew this level of embarrassment was pathetic, really— but in her defense Catra had little experience when it came to things like this. 

After all, the two could only learn by example of their elder cadets, and even then there was no instructions on how to go through with this. It was always hard to make sense of her mess of emotions toward Adora, her best friend. Even though it was clear she had always held her in a much higher regard than that it was was always hard to push any further than that fragile title.

Despite this Catra felt herself move almost robotically in response to Adora's invitation, naturally; and her hand cupped the side of Adora's soft face. Their circumstance was almost comical; two adults shaking like flustered teenagers.

The tips of Adora's ears burned red, so brightly that Catra could still scarcely make them out in the dark. She ran her fingertips down the side of her sharp jaw, as if she'd been itching to touch Adora in a way that was foreign to them. She was careful with her claws as she tucked blonde hair behind a small ear, sucking in a wordless breath. And just for a moment, their eyes met.

Adora was so beautiful. It was even further accentuated in the moonlight, which stretched high above them and seemed to make her glow before Catra. A soft red had now fully erupted upon her pale cheeks, stretching inward to the bridge of her nose. Adora didn't put much effort into her appearance outside of fancy events, never being one to waste time, and it showed in her unbrushed and crazy hair, her unironed uniform. But that never mattered to Catra. Adora was so effortlessly beautiful. She shyly wondered if Adora felt that way about her, too.

"Yes." Catra murmured.

Adora's lips were so illegally soft, softer than she'd ever dreamed about.

  
——-

Catra licked her own lips idly on this lonesome night, legs swaying on Adora's windowsill. The several hundred feet on castle beneath her didn't alarm her, considering she had made this same treacherous climb hundreds of times before. Just to see Adora.

She had long since put Antebellum to bed, who slept softly in Adora's old cot, leaving Catra alone with her thoughts.

Often times on this same sill, she would talk to herself to pass the time. Call her crazy (it certainly wouldn't be the first time) but it was a good way to expel unwanted stress and the overwhelming responsibility of raising your best friend's kid. Your dead best friend, to be more specific.

She'd whisper soft words that would easily get lost in the wind such as, "Wish you could see her now, Adora," It was true. She was so damn proud. She couldn’t ask for a better, more easygoing kid. 

Or, "It sucks. She looks just like you." To Catra, that was both a blessing and a curse.

From behind her, through the window which she sat she could hear Antebellum's soft snores resonating throughout the room. Was a good thing snoring hardly bothered her considering she'd grown so accustomed to it throughout her childhood— _you can thank your mom for that one_ , she thought languidly.

From beside her on the sill, the pads of her fingers found the handle of a small handheld mirror. She ran her fingers across the edge of it as if to study it intensely, before picking it up. She observed herself in its reflection slowly, pupils following her intricate movements. She had a couple fresh cuts on the edges of her ears, side effect of raising a five year old who loved to wrestle with Catra and grab at them. Dark circles had formed under her eyes, likely a result of fatigue and a lack of sleep. She could tell she looked so much older than before, maybe it was the exhaustion taking hold of her; the aching sadness that accompanied her beating heart. Her jaw looked sharper, features more accentuated. She didn't look or feel like a reckless teenager anymore.

She remembered telling Adora they would never grow up. Not knowing then, what with the emergence of a war and their eventual separation, they'd eventually be forced to.  
  


Hell, not knowing she’d be raising a child of her own. 

She stared back at her empty eyes in the mirror. She never really got a good look at them; people always told her they were unique, how jealous they were of them, but Catra had always seen them as an unwanted difference that set her apart from other people. She'd changed her mind about that now. One was... blue. Another was a golden yellow. It showed that although Adora would always be a part of her, alive in everything she saw, in the blue void of her iris... there was still another part of her that needed to focus on herself. And that wasn't selfish; it was survival.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand now we get to the part where I have to write the sad shit. God damnit. 
> 
> Ps: Even though this is set in post season 3, we're gonna pretend Adora still destroyed the sword. Fits my story better. k thx.
> 
> The majority of this chapter is a flashback. 
> 
> "~~~~" dividers will mark the present.

A pair of blue and yellow orbs shot open.

_What's going on?_ Catra's thoughts demanded, senses absorbing her surroundings. She quickly sat up, hand flying to her forehead, feeling a stern headache follow the motion. Through her frazzled vision she could make out the room which she resided in, lit by orange patterned lanterns with a few couches in the corner. As she stood, her fingertips pressed against the clear blue cylinder which surrounded her, resembling stained glass. She noticed as she pressed harder, it seemed to send a shock to the tips of her claws.

Eyes widening, she quickly realized she was _trapped_.

Catra yelled and thrashed and pressed her body against the blue field that surrounded her, attempting to topple it over, but it only zapped her in retaliation. She fell onto her back, hitting the tile floor beneath her feet. She stared up at the patterned ceiling with wide eyes. Her chest was heavy and she tried to even out her breaths, fists tightening against the floor. _She couldn't be here. There wasn't even enough space to breathe_.

Inside the walls of Bright Moon castle, Catra was undoubtably captured. She should've known they wouldn't trust her, right? That even Adora, who she'd always been hand in hand with since their arrival at the Horde, would be wary. How could they not? They would be stupid to even consider it, after everything she'd done to hurt them...

It wasn't much of a jail— more of a room with a half-ass cage, but it still ignited her chest with a burning anxiousness. As she massaged her head, slowly, the memories from last night returned to her. The night Catra had arrived at Bright Moon after defecting, things had seemed perfect. Well, _almost_. Getting to hold Adora momentarily was but a cruel reward, hearing the silent words pass the blonde's lips- _I've missed you_.

What Catra hadn't expected was the Brightmoon guards storming into Adora's room, intentions unreadable. They had shoved her against the wall rather carelessly, restraining her, all while Adora sat by and watched, wordlessly. Catra's gold and blue eyes glowering in betrayal.

Adora, who had promised her time and time again that the guards had come simply out of the sudden commotion. That she hadn't alerted them, but Catra knew better. Adora was prudent; scared of what Catra might do next, after all, Catra had single-handedly thrown the rebellion into quite a predicament. Adora knew better than anyone what a powerful force Catra could be. Not to mention most of her actions were directed at Adora's expense, entirely, so regardless of whether or not Adora had ' _missed he_ r'- her disposal into a rotten cage was her inevitable demise.

Some part of her reminded her she had intent to hurt when going through with her various actions. She wanted to feel this unmeasurable power for herself; the power to manipulate things, to be in control. The portal, the kidnapping of Bow and Glimmer, the siege on Bright Moon. All done with intricate purpose. Why didn't she feel that way anymore?

Speak of the devil— Adora sat at the edge of the room, sound asleep in her cot, no doubt entrusted with watching her. A knife pressed securely to the mattress's edge, Adora's nimble fingers running over the handle mindlessly.

Catra remembered observing Adora as they slept in the Fright Zone, creepy as it might sound. Her eyes screwed shut, thoughts undoubtably battling against the nightmares that came as a gift from spending your life in the Fright Zone. She was a drooler— Catra still couldn't get over the fact that Adora slept with her _mouth open_ , it was as disgusting as it was childish, and all things considered she didn't even mind it. It was something that never failed to bring a smile to her face, even on those hard nights. And that dumb look on Adora's pale face while she slept was a look of peace Catra always wondered if she could ever achieve.

Though ‘sound asleep’ wasn't quite accurate as the present Adora grunted, shifting, and Catra's thoughts were sliced in half as she jumped in surprise.

As Adora began to sit up, Catra feigned sleep, stretching herself onto the floor, tail curling around her legs. Squeezing her eyes shut like impulse. The last thing she wanted to do right now was talk to Adora; constrained to a small space with no way to escape whatever sappy or morally objective conversation Adora would bring. It was convincing enough, probably, as it was how she'd always slept.

Adora seemed to buy it as the catgirl squeezed her eyes shut. Her acting nowhere near rivaled Double trouble's, but she could properly emulate the purrs that often came when slumber had overtaken her. Adora, who'd she'd shared a bed with for over half a decade, would recognize it anywhere.

Adora stood, as Catra's skillful ears observed, nearing her holding cell. She could practically feel Adora's gaze scale every inch of her as she approached. Burning her skin like an iron, even more so than the electric field which surrounded her, her forearms prickling at the attention.

She knelt down beside the cage, the warmth her figure radiated imminent even through the field that separated them.

"I'll never give up on you." Adora mumbled, fingertips pressing against the glass on the other side. Catra could feel her heartbeat escalate. "And I mean that."

_Did she_? Contrary to what Catra had initially thought— that Adora had abandoned her the moment she had left the Fright Zone, Adora seemed to be _waiting_ for Catra. Maybe more in a figurative sense, but the blonde's branding gaze held a certain dedication toward the feline that made her stomach tie itself into an uncomfortable knot. The last thing she wanted to do was spend too much time obsessing over small details, but how could she not? Catra had spent so much time convincing herself Adora had never cared, after all- but it was much easier to say that when Adora wasn't there, saying things like _that_.

_Was Adora stupid_? Catra had done nothing but willingly hurt her, revolve her plans around Adora's crippling expense, all for show and satisfaction. And Adora was sitting here, still clinging desperately onto their old friendship? It was pathetic, really, but all things considered.. Catra had come to Bright Moon for one reason only— for Adora. For a chance to restore them. So really, the concept wasn't too farfetched of a reality.

Maybe it was sick, but Catra felt a certain ease within her conscious upon hearing Adora's soft words. That yeah, she'd fucked up— and some things she'd done were _irreversible_ — but still, even after everything, Adora had her back. Intentions to protect her no matter what. And Catra felt terribly numb to that feeling.

  
==================

Waking up the next morning was easier. Adora hadn't slept in the same room as her, but Catra felt better knowing that considering she couldn't push the blonde out of her thoughts. She was afraid she'd stare at her figure all night. Falling into old habits— burning _feelings_ — knowing things couldn't just go back to the way they used to.

  
Today she had expected some sort of interrogation; not even a hollow-skulled Adora would buy that she'd been sleeping over twenty four hours. 

As if right on cue, the lock to the room jiggled, and the door swung open. In marched Adora, accompanied by _her new best friend_ , the queen of bright moon. Catra's face fell at the sight of Glimmer approaching her cage with rather hostile intent.

"Don't you worry. I don't want to be anywhere near you, either." Glimmer seemed to snarl at Catra's dumbfounded glare, crossing her arms. "But this seems really important to Adora, who is important to _me_ ," she seemed to taunt Catra; _I'm the better friend. I didn't fail her, nor displease her._ "So I'm going to be right outside to make sure she's safe. Understood?"

Catra answered with a blank stare, which Glimmer had already grown well accustomed to. In response, she marched out of the room angrily, taking her post by the door. Catra's ear flicked in interest.

"Hey, Princess." She answered weakly as Adora stepped forward, a scratch crawling up her throat.

"Catra." Adora greeted lamely. Catra noticed she averted her gaze shamefully, which wasn't quite as strong as the one she'd offered Catra while she believed her to be asleep.

"So? What's the big speech now, Adora?" Catra feigned a yawn, and her heart ached as the words seemed to come out on impulse rather than choice. God, could Catra _not_ spite Adora for two seconds? Chances were.. probably not. Uniformity was one hell of a drug.

She seemed to cross her arms, a frown sprawling across her features. How many times had Catra been the cause of that same expression? Pushing the uncomfortable thoughts away, she tried again, "If you've got something to say, then say it."

"Why'd you come here, Catra?" Adora's eyes dropped to the floor, her self-consciousness burning through her exterior like an iron. Catra was frozen at the question, Adora looking for such sentimental answers was the last thing she'd expected the blonde to say. What did it matter, anyway? Why was she so concerned with the reason?

Could Catra even manage to answer Adora's question? Her silence quickly proved that, a hard swallow accompanying her branding gaze. Adora finally met her eyes as Catra braved,

"Cause I wanted to. Do I need any more of a reason?" It was a reflective answer, sure, but Catra hadn't missed the glow that had suddenly found Adora's face. Fighting back a smile, Adora knelt down and pressed her palm against the glass.

"I'm going to do my best to help you. Unfortunately.. the others in Bright moon aren't quite as hopeful about your presence here... I'm sure you understand." Adora, eyes so soft and so incredibly _apologetic_ despite everything Catra had done. Did she truly care, or was she just that _thick-skulled_? Why did she treat Catra like a blissful project, one that could be easily healed with time? Catra wished it were that easy.

Catra stared at the palm pressed against the glass blankly, making no movement to return the gesture. This seemed to upset Adora, as the light gleam of her eyes diminished momentarily. Instead, Catra settled with the next best thing.

“...Thanks." She sighed. If only Adora knew it took every bone in her body to force the words out.

Adora seemed shocked by the statement, but ultimately relived. Catra didn't blame her.

Before she could even part her lips to utter a word more, a small figure shot through the door, chest heaving. As Catra's eyes caught the figure which hid behind Adora's leg timidly, she felt her brain falter.

It was hard to see her as she masked herself behind the blonde, but she looked around the age of three, hardly surpassing Adora's thigh in height. They clung to Adora as if she were all there was; a sort of dedication that would amount to that of.. family.

"Adora..?" In her shock, Catra managed to force her name out.

Only one question burned through Catra's mind as she observed the child beside her, face now visible, _Why in the_ hell _does that kid look exactly like Adora_?

Adora settled for a swallow, eyes dropping the floor. She hadn't imagined that she and Catra would ever experience this situation. At least, not so _incredibly_ soon.

“It's.. a long story."

"Mommy? Who's dis...?" the child seemed answer for her. _What_?

Catra's heartbeat escalated, multicolored orbs begging for a response. Adora's eyes were soft as she spoke. "This is.. Catra. A very old friend of mine." Catra could barely fathom that Adora (who was her enemy) had referred to her as a _friend_ , considering her mind was much too scrambled at the mere sight of the child that stood before her.

Flowing blonde hair, blue eyes, short in stature but not in spirit. She clung tightly to the edge of Adora's sweatpants, gazing at Catra with obvious distrust, and rightfully so.

"Catra.." Adora began. "This is Antebellum. She's my ... daughter."

_Daughter_ , the word rang in her head as if foreign to her. The idea of a mother was already such an impossible, unattainable concept, one that neither Adora or Catra could have ever imagined. A brutal image of a woman who'd never dare show her true face, who would forcefully mend the two to her own will, her own agenda. A _mother_ — it was a foggy word that couldn't possibly emulate the abusive relationship the two had shared with Shadow Weaver. At the time, all they'd had was each other.

But here Adora stood— a mother. And as confusing as it all was, Catra couldn't fight the swell burning in her chest. As much as she hated to say it, the sight before her made her feel _pride_. Seeing Adora with a daughter of her own, who she'd undoubtably do anything to protect and care for, it was painfully majestic. So different from what Catra and Adora had been cursed with growing up.

"Mommy.. why'she in cage?" The girl appeared visibly frightened as she hid behind Adora's pant leg, one eye peeking through the hand which covered her face. Catra felt stunned by the action.

"It's okay. She's not a threat." Adora assured the young girl. Truly, Catra felt a sting in her gut seeing this kid so afraid of her. Maybe it was the fact that she was blood related to Adora— after all, Catra had no problem feeding on the fear of her enemies. In fact, she found that she worked best that way.

"I trust her." Adora decided with little hesitation. The words echoed through Catra's brain like a short-circuited stereo.

This was going to take some getting used to.

===== 1 year and 6 months later=====

"Go, Cat-tra!" Antebellum squeaked, clearly not caring if she woke the whole castle with her adamant cheers. Adora stopped for a moment, feigning betrayal at the words that may as well resemble knives. The little girl clearly didn't know what was happening, but was still excited about it nevertheless.

"Are you serious?" Adora gaped, wiping at the sweat forming above her brow, "My own flesh and blood. Not even cheering for me!"

"What can I say? Must be a cat person." Catra couldn't help the smirk that grew on her face, eliciting a pout from Adora. Tail swaying, she threw herself at the blonde, to which she swiftly dodged with a mischievous side-step.

They'd made themselves a weekly tradition where they'd meet up in Brightmoon square and spar one another come the rise of the sun. It was a good way for both of them to keep in shape and shake off the rust, considering they'd long since abandoned any form of training come the end of the war. And with how busy they'd been recently, mostly Adora coming to terms with the loss of her title as She-ra, as well as her daughter, it ensured they made time for one another. Oncea week.

Currently, they stood a couple of feet away from one another, prowling in a small circle. Eyes scouting over the other in an attempt to predict their next move.

"Ready to be embarrassed in front of your kid?" Catra laughed, clearly ready to strike.

"We’ll see about that." Adora panted in reply, as if to wordlessly say _you’re all talk, anyway._ Adora thenattempted to shoot back a smile, but it came up lighter than normal.

Ear twitching, Catra couldn't help but notice an inconsistency.

As she observed her more closely, Adora seemed... slower, today. Her reflexes dissipating. Normally, she had no trouble combating Catra, usually being the one to emerge victorious. Adora's strong and lean complexion made athletic tasks come naturally to her; so it was easy to notice her falter.

When Catra had finally dashed toward her, knocking her to the ground with her arms on either side of her head, Adora hardly put up a fight. Normally at this point she'd have thrown Catra off of her and continued on sparring. But instead she sat beneath the feline, breathing shallowly.

"Adora, you okay?" Catra asked quietly, pausing from her stance. Her fingers intertwined with Adora’s below her.

"I'm.. I'm alright," she panted, though it hardly sounded convincing. Adora was a god awful liar, hardly able to rebuff her condition without eliciting immediate concern from her companion.

"What's wrong?" She ignored the blonde's comment, hand brushing against Adora's in scrutinization. Finally bringing their training session to a halt.

"I don't know.. I feel dizzy, though?” She looked pale, _terribly_ pale. Sweat decorating her forehead in an excessive amount, face flushing hot. Her breaths escaping shallowly and her eyes squeezed shut in pain. Her clawed hand instinctually shot forward to feel Adora's head, she was warm. Catra knew something was wrong, and even with much protest from Adora, forced her to go seek medical examination.

They'd gone to see the Bright Moon medical professionals later that day but they were at a loss with what was happening. Suspecting it may be magic-oriented, they'd sent her to the Mystacor sorcerers instead.

Not being one to divulge in magic so much herself, the thought gave a dip in Catra's gut. If they had immediately suspected magic that must mean it was serious, right? Or maybe she was just overthinking it. A sparkle cold, or something. Something that could be cured with a simple spell.

But, unfortunately, the occult professional had a lot to say about Adora's condition. "Dealing with magic for such an extended amount of time certainly has its consequences." He seemed to refer to the sword explicitly, to She-ra. Though by now they were both long gone. "Especially if you never learn how to properly control it." The sorcerer said, grimly, as if having to force the words out. Trying so desperately to keep them soft.

Hadn't Adora harnessed it all in her sword, and only been able to access it with the weapon on hand? Not to mention the sword had been destroyed. Wasn't that enough to properly contain it? Millions of questions played throughout her mind, desperately trying to convince herself that the doctor was only speculating. Suggesting the exact opposite of what she wanted to hear.

"The magic that was bound with Adora when she destroyed the sword all those years ago is... unstable. Far too great for Adora's human form to possess."

She knew that transforming into She-ra was no easy task for Adora, when coming down from her transformation it never failed to take a clear physical toll. Never able to handle being transformed for too long. But when she destroyed the sword, she couldn't transform anymore. Sure, she had retained some physical ailments and attributes the sword had gifted her, but no supernatural qualities. If the magic had somehow fused with her, what kind of long term consequences could that bring forth?

Catra blinked. She didn't quite understand whatever nonsense the sorcerer was offering the both of them, “What does that mean?"

The way Adora averted her gaze from Catra, she seemed to know. Like the sorcerer had already explained everything during Catra's absence.

He seemed equally as silent, and Catra felt frustration rise in her gut at the lack of response, incisors baring, "What does that mean, Adora?"

"Catra..." she seemed to choke on the feline's name, tears threatening to surface.

The sorcerer cut in quickly, but spoke slowly in contrast, "In normal circumstances, this may have been easily reversed as soon as these symptoms began to appear."

"But we only just noticed this today." Catra seemed to say hopefully, looking to Adora for confirmation. Her head was down.

"Adora informed me she's been having these symptoms for weeks." He said, an eyebrow raised.

Catra's mouth fell open, head whipping to Adora. Almost feeling betrayed by the words.

"Adora? You didn't... tell me?" Catra tried with all of her being to void the hurt from her voice. As if her head was screaming, _we could've stopped this_! Why didn't she trust Catra with this? They could've handled it together...

Adora could only stare at her shoes, skillfully averting her gaze. What could she say, anyway? Adora never wanted to burden people with her own problems, constantly isolating herself into that same, cripplingly subjective cycle. Catra almost wanted to blame herself for failing to notice, but it wasn't the first time Adora had successfully concealed an injury from her. And she hadn't seen Adora more often than once a week.

"Please, just _tell me_ what all of this means. I can take it." Catra said, though it sounded more like she was assuring herself rather than her counterparts in the room. She could feel a negative aura surrounding her like ice, a burning question branded into the back of her mind.

His verdict was almost as empty as Catra's stomach had suddenly felt.

"...Adora's life force is fading, Catra."

==================

Catra _couldn't_ take it.

Not well, anyway. And for someone who was so used to concealing her most embarrassing tendencies, it was rather easy to tell how strongly she worried for Adora. Obsessively checking on her and even spending the night when she felt uneasy about leaving. Which was every time, anyway. Glimmer and Bow had attempted to alleviate her from the burdening responsibility, offering to visit Adora some days and gift Catra some well needed rest, but the feline refused. And they knew better than to argue when it came to Catra's dedication to the blonde.

Catra had visited Adora every other day since she had received the news. Would be every day, if not for Catra's anxious tendency to believe Adora would be sick of her constant presence. That was a habit she’d probably never grow out of. But nevertheless, unfailing, come the morning she'd trudged to Adora's room on the west end of the castle. Hands shoved in her pockets in clear nervousness.

When she arrived, she hesitated a moment to knock, taking a moment to sort out her thoughts. Finally deciding on the doorbell, the door was suddenly jerked open, and Catra's multicolored orbs fell upon Adora's daughter, Antebellum, who was hardly tall enough to reach the knob. Her eyes seemed wide with stars.

"Cat-ra!" She cheered, a grin spreading across her small face. The feline could hardly control the sway of her tail at the sight of the child's excitement. Catra returned it, scooping her up and spinning her in a circle, eliciting a fit of giggles from the little girl.

"What's up, Belle?" Catra greeted, setting down the dizzied girl who now seemed to stumble around. Thought it hadn't erased the smile on her face.

She wasn't much of a talker yet, or more so, couldn't find the right words to. She stared at Catra blankly, still smiling. That was enough of an answer.

"Who's watching you right now?" She seemed to question aloud, eyes scanning the room. Adora certainly wasn't in any position to care for her single-handedly as of right now.

As if right on queue, purple hair appeared from the kitchen, arms filled with what looked like discs and popcorn. Entrapta gave Catra a smile, "Oh hey, Catra! Antebellum and I were just about to indulge in what Glimmer called a... gaming system? I'm not sure what it is, but it has something to do with these discs and the giant black screen in this room. Isn't it _fascinating_?" She said through a mouthful of popcorn.

Granted, Entrapta probably wasn't the wisest choice of a babysitter, considering things usually.. blew up wherever she went. But she'd do, for now. Belle looked really excited about it, after all. She had hung around Entrapta a lot recently, supposedly a 'good listener' who was interested in all of Entrapta's tech-based research. Even if she could hardly understand.

Catra crouched down to ruffle Belle's hair, relievedthat someone was watching her closely.

"I promise I'll hang with you guys in a bit, okay? I'm going to go check on your mom. Where is she?"

She seemed to think for a moment, fingers shoved in her mouth as she said, "Mommy.. room."

"Thanks, kid." Catra quickly excused herself to the adjoined bedroom accompanying the vast space. It was almost unreal how much space was here in the Brightmoon castle, despite encompassing hundreds of residents. She still found it hard to wrap her head around not sharing a bunk and being stuffed in a room with some fifty other cadets.

Slowly opening Adora's bedroom door, darkness poured from the room. She thought of reaching for the light switch then noticed a considerable amount of light beaming through the window. She could faintly make out the blonde's figure on the other end. "'Dora?" She questioned softly.

It'd been like this, the past couple of days. Adora never leaving her darkened room except to scarcely see Catra, Glimmer, Bow and Antebellum. Her face impossibly pale, sickness sweeping over her like a thick whirlwind.

Catra's skillful eyes quickly adjusted. Only difference in this visit was, this time, Adora sat at the edge of her cot with her knees pressed against her chest, her soft sobs echoing throughout the room. Face buried desperately in her blanket, hunched over in what Catra saw as a clear sign of aching vulnerability.

"Adora!" It came out more frantic, this time. Eyes wide, she dashed to the edge of Adora's bed, quickly sliding into the empty spot beside the blonde.

Catra could hardly count on two hands how many times she'd seen Adora cry. It was unprecedented, and essentially forbidden in the Horde to showcase any kind of intense emotion. Catra was no better when it came to that kind of compulsion. She remembered the punishments the both of them had received from Shadow weaver if they’d been caught in a tearful knot following a particularly tough training- in Catra’s case, in the aftermath of her special torture from Shadow Weaver.

But that was the point. It only made it all the more clear that Adora needed her now in this moment more than anything. And in an instant, wordlessly, Catra had enraptured Adora in her embrace, strong arms unwavering.

Adora quickly accepted it. It was always Catra who pushed her away in times of crisis, after all. Not the other way around. She sunk into her arms, head pressed tightly against Catra's chest, finding momentary comfort in the racing of her heart. She shook violently.

Catra remembered nights like this in the Horde; Adora's numerous late night breakdowns in their shared cot. Everything that was so highly expected of her was bound to come crashing down at some point, after all. Adora was only human.

"Adora?" She seemed to whisper, softly, "What's the matter?"

It took a couple of minutes for anything close to a response to emit from Adora. But that was okay, because Catra would wait patiently for her to fall down from her ledge. It came out rather hesitantly, "I'm... okay. Just, feeling overwhelmed is all."

Catra gave no response, as if to wordlessly question that answer. _She's lying, it's painfully obvious._ Meeting eyes with Adora, the blonde seemed apologetic, instead deciding on the truth,

"I.. don't want to die, Catra." Adora shook indignantly, blue eyes glossy. Catra had almost expected something along the lines of that response, but it hardly prepared her for it.

"Adora, d-don't think like that. You're going to be fine, okay?" She could feel her throat tie itself into a dangerous knot. As the empty words passed her lips Catra wondered if she herself even believed them.

Adora, staring at her splayed palms in her lap as Catra slowly released her hold, seemed to ignore the comment. Eyes blown wide in still disbelief.

The silence between them was unsettling, and Catra reluctantly filled it, "I just.. I have to ask. Why didn't you tell me, Adora?"

She gifted Catra an unreadable expression.

"To me, it wasn't serious. All I could feel was my body weakening." Her eyes trailed to her shoes, head hanging low, "To tell you the truth.. I was embarrassed."

"I've sort of felt this growing pain inside myself ever since breaking ties with She-ra." She swallowed roughly, pain imminent from beyond her blue orbs, “It made me feel.. horribly weak. Vulnerable. I'm so sorry, Catra."

It had always been near impossible for Adora to admit to her own vulnerability. Adora hated being weak more than anything; uselessness was like a virus to her, plaguing her every thought and impulse. Catra knew that better than anyone.

"Why are you saying sorry? Fuck, Adora, you're sick and you're sitting here apologizing to _me_."

Somehow, that managed to elicit a soft chuckle from Adora, though her eyes still flowed with tears. It was enough to make Catra's heart burn momentarily. Adora spoke, "It just.. amazes me."

Catra cocked an eyebrow in question, soft fingertips massaging Adora's forearm to subtly comfort her. She seemed to wordlessly question the statement, as Adora continued,

"All those times I could feel my life force fading in the middle of battle, in a life-threatening moment.... I never felt this way. So desperate to live." The frown that found her lips was foreign, not necessarily one of direct sadness, instead unreadable despair, "Maybe it was She-ra influencing my thoughts, assuring me that sacrificing myself was the right thing to do." She swallowed, hard.

"But now..." She slowly trailed off, raising her head to meet Catra's multicolored orbs. Adora's irises glistened with bad memories from behind her eyes. Catra had seen that look hundreds of times before when observing her own self in the mirror, the dark swell of emotion chasing her like a plague.

But it didn't quite match the words she spoke. "Catra, I really, _really_ like you. And I don't want to leave you. And I don't want to leave Antebellum." Suddenly her hand emerged from under the blanket, numb fingers finding Catra's, "You guys are all I have."

Catra had been heartbroken many times before. Whether it be from Adora's unexpected departure, from a lack of a parental figure replaced with Shadow Weaver's unrelenting abuse, her countless failures to be anything of worth to her superiors. But nothing had quite shattered her heart like hearing the words that left Adora's lips, like a weight crashing down upon her nimble chest and robbing her of anything close to a breath.

She could feel her own eyes stinging, now. It was hard to see Adora's expression through the blur of tears which had suddenly engulfed her entire being. Claiming her multicolored orbs as their own.

"Catra, it's okay." Adora's expression quickly softened upon seeing the tears which Catra had formed, fingers grazing her knuckle.

Her burning heart screamed otherwise. It wasn't a flattering appearance for Catra, really, as she wiped snot away from her face, murmuring,

"B-but.. you said..."

"I know what I said." Adora said, softly, moving a finger between a lock of Catra's ear fuzz, "But it's not just about me, okay?" Leave it to Adora to be the golden friend, the quintessential companion, even when on the verge of an imminent death.

"When I'm gone... I'll have left you all alone."

_When I'm gone._ Despite her tears, despite what she'd said about not wanting to die, the statement seemed indefinite. Like Adora had already accepted what was to come. Catra certainly hadn't, nor would she ever come close to doing so. She had spent her whole life with Adora, even if she had spent some time fighting against her. She couldn't possibly formulate what kind of life would be worth living without her.

"I don't want to leave you again. Doing it before," Adora said, " it was the worst mistake of my life."

Catra's hand squeezed hers, hard, the blonde's soft words sending her heartbeat into a frenzy. Adora had said it like she had a choice either time. But Catra had known that wasn't true; she didn't harbor even an ounce of hatred toward Adora presently. She had done what she had to do to save the world, to save them. And now... 

"Will you take care of things here, Catra?" Her breaths staggered, "Will you watch over Bright Moon?"

Catra could feel her breaths start to pace rapidly, hardly able to take hold of the words Adora offered. Trying so desperately the stop the tears from falling. Hanging onto every aching syllable.

"Will you watch over _her_?" Adora planted a kiss between her eyes, as she often did, holding Catra's forehead close. Fingertips brushing across the catgirl's jaw to steady her sobs.

That wasn't the night that Adora had died, not at all, but that was certainly the night that Catra did.

===============

It was like this, often times. Catra gazing at Adora like she was the only person in the room worth looking at, constantly, always. But never wanting to address it.

"What are you staring at?" Adora cocked an eyebrow.

Hot flush creeping up her neck, Catra quickly averted her gaze. "Trying to make sure you don't slip and fall."

"Yeah, sure you were." Adora mused with a knowing look.

"Don't flatter yourself. You're clumsy!"

"And you don't find that cute?" Adora chuckled.

_Damnit_. "Yeah, okay." Catra said, crossing her arms.

Adora pressed her lips to Catra's own, softly and only for a moment, but every single time it never failed to steal Catra's breath. Cheeks burning, Catra offered her a lopsided grin, taking her hand in hers and easing her out of bed.

"Now cmon. We've got work to do." Catra said, albeit much to Adora’s surprise.

"Hm.. never seen you so chipper to do stupid rebellion stuff." Adora wrapped her arms around Catra's front, her chin finding a home on Catra's shoulder as she nuzzled her face into her mane of hair. She smelled of lavender.

_Been a while since we've done it together._ She wanted to say, but the sappy words had long since died before they could properly form.

"It's _not_ excitement. The earlier we get this done, the sooner I can get back to bed." She lied smoothly, shrugging.

“Mmm.. okay. I won’t go assuming you like me or anything, then.” Adora shrugged.

“.. as you should.” Catra grumbled, holding back her smile that threatened to surface. It had recently become a bad habit of hers; one tied exclusively with Adora.

“I’m going to carry the ladders this time, though.” Catra said.

“What? What are you talking about?” It was rather amusing, really, seeing the look on Adora’s face as Catra challenged her jock status. She looked offended, and Catra almost burst out laughing at her stupid expression alone.

“Remember the last time you carried them? You tripped over your own feet and ate shit."

Adora gasped. “Did _not_!"

"You _totally_ did!" Catra laughed. “And I had to comb the dirt out of your hair all night. Can we please prevent that from happening this time?”

“Catra—“ Adora protested,

“— I’ve got this, babe.” Catra assured her, effectively shutting Adora up with the newly produced usage of the pet name. Adora prayed the catgirl wouldn’t spot her blush.

Suddenly, Bow appeared around the corner, accompanied by various villager kids. From what Catra remembered, he was supposed to be giving tours to families that would be moving to live on castle grounds. “Oh? And here are my bestest friends in the whole wide world and my _favorite couple_ —“

Catra whirled around instantly and sent a scalding glare in his direction, and he took the hint and sheepishly dashed away. That move was unfailing— she loved nothing more than the mess with the sparkly little duo Adora carried along with her. However, the kids which surrounded him met eyes with Catra and squealed with fear, scampering off to the neighboring village.

Catra’s ears pinned to the back of her head in surprise. Okay, yeah, she definitely wasn’t expecting that. “Dora?”

“Yes?” She called from afar.

“I'm not.. _that_ scary, am I?" Catra sighed. It seemed Adora had witnessed what had just happened, but hadn’t mentioned it.

Adora thought for a moment as she came closer, “Mm..." she raised an eyebrow and she smirked, "..absolutely _terrifying_ ,"

Catra groaned. She briefly remembered a time where all she could possibly envision was for people to fear her, to submit under her rule. Now, in retrospect, she saw it more along the lines of an insult. She didn’t want to be seen that way anymore.

Adora had a way of making everything better, though. “Don't worry,” she assured Catra,

“I think it's stupid cute,"

Catra’s ear flicked as she crossed her arms, grumbling.

She continued, making sure she squished Catra’s pouting face between her palms, “It’s like.. oh, is she going to kill me? Show no mercy? Or perhaps... slaughter me with kisses?”

Catra’s tail swayed in response to Adora’s teasing. “Oh, now you’re just asking for it, Princess!” She shoved down the blush that bloomed across her chest, pushing Adora backwards.

Adora laughed in response. “Save the wrestling for our spar tomorrow, cat. We have to finish this and pick up Belle!”

“Belle?” Catra hummed in question. “So you’re finally picking up on the nickname I gave her?”

“Well.. yeah.” Adora seemed embarrassed by the comment, hot flush creeping up her neck. “I _like_ it.” _Geez, Adora. No need to get so defensive. What a dork_.

“Good.” Catra masked the fact that she was immensely flattered. Not that she’d ever admit it, but she definitely cared about Adora’s opinion over anyone else. “Because, as I’ve said time and time again, the name choice was stupid. I’m doing her a favor, if anything.”

“ _Catra_!” The birds scattered in surprise at Adora’s shrill squeal.

=======================

Often times during her worst moments, Catra would reminisce memories of Adora like this. Her brain like to formulate the opposite of what she was feeling, anyway. Of how lucky she felt that she and Adora were on good terms now, closer than ever before. But then again, that was only memories.

Stepping out of that hospital room was easily the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life. Her whole body feigning lead, stomach heavy and dipping in unmeasurable despair. Her breaths escaping shallowly. Eyes lidded over.

Bow and Glimmer dashed toward Catra and quickly enveloped her in a hug, and the catgirl collapsed onto her knees, wailing. No longer caring about her dignity as the soreness of her heart quickly escaped in the form of heavy cries. Shaking underneath the embrace of two people she'd once called enemies. As the tears drew down her cheeks, all she could feel was a terrible numbness, her thoughts empty of any coherent thought rather than the present,

_Adora is gone._

_Forever._

_And I couldn't stop it._

Yelling profanities as the hospital workers escorted her out, she could care less that she was making a scene. Because already, only some five minutes after receiving the news that Adora's heart had stopped., she could hardly breathe. The world felt blurry, like a hologram encasing her body and failing to allow her a simple breath.

As much as she wanted to sit in her room and hole herself up, rip the mattress of her cot to pieces, there were other.. extenuating circumstances to refer to.

When Bow dropped Catra off at her and Adora’s room, assuring him she needed some time to herself much to his protests, she slammed the door shut behind her. She slumped against it with heavy eyes. Desperately fighting back the tears that threatened to return, she felt a panic attack imminent as she clutched the fabric of her shirt as if it were her own beating heart. _Adora was_..

“Cat-ra? ....Where's mommy?" A voice questioned softly. Catra felt another rip in her heart, startled,as she realized the situation and quickly regained her posture.

_Holy shit. Antebellum._

She didn’t know. How.. how could she tell her? What with the confused look she gave Catra, her big blue eyes and softly illuminated cheekbones, she had no worldly idea what was going on. Catra again wanted to burst into tears. Another thing she had to deal with, unsure if she’d survive the emotional trauma that would follow.

For now, she couldn’t settle with the truth. The lies flew out of her mouth on impulse rather than choice. “She'll be here soon, okay? Come on, let's get you to bed." Catra hated lying so cruelly, even more so to a little kid. But how could she possibly tell her right now? Even she, twenty-three years old, could feel herself crumble under the weight of the news.

The least she could do was get herself together so she could be there for Antebellum. So she could make her understand.

Catra had struggled indefinitely. The only incentive to leave her darkened room was Bow and Glimmer's desperate pleads, Adora's soft voice in her head warning her she was destroying herself. For weeks she holed herself up in her room, only allowing the occasional company of Antebellum with intentions of explaining everything to her. But every single time, she felt her voice fade away with what she wanted to say.

Her first defeating thought a couple of days into Adora's death was to blame herself.

At first it was the sword. _Adora died because of magic. You killed Adora._

_If Adora had never found that sword, she would still be here. Alive and well. Maybe even.. happy. Why didn't you stop her that night?_

_Stupid, stupid._ Hands wound in her hair, pulling tightly, her thoughts abused her relentlessly. Day and night. How could they not? All Catra knew was _Adora, Adora,_ and now that she was gone, the painful dedication that had begun to blossom, their newly established relationship, and Adora’s path to being a mother— had all been scorched short.

Antebellum had taken it worse. How could you explain to a mere child that their mother was gone? Obviously, Antebellum had visited Adora constantly when she was in the hospital. But did she really understand the extent to what had happened? Did she know she'd never see her mum again?

Catra could never know. She had always been an orphan, motherless. When shadow weaver had abandoned her for Bright Moon she had taken it harshly, sure, but not because she cared for Weaver. Instead she obsessed over proving herself to her abuser, showing her that she was better off without her. And she was.

When Antebellum broke down in tears when she couldn't find her mother a week later, Catra shook back her own and wrapped her arms around the girl, providing her comfort in the midst of a frenzying rage. Again feelings her heart rip in immeasurable agony.

_She said she'd never leave again,_ Catra's thoughts taunted, as she stared down at Adora's gravestone. The headstone was already littered with moss, a carving of She-ra's sword embroidering it. The thought made her blood run cold— her destiny was her undoing, and yet, it was portrayed so brightly on the stone.

Catra still, even then, could find little reason to envision a life without Adora— to _live_ without her. The cold and dark ceiling her only companion on all of those dark and lonely nights. But when the guards had showed up to her house on that terrifying night, the night where Catra had planned to carve her sorrows into her skin, she had been given a new purpose— to do what Adora had asked of her. To take care of Antebellum, give her a chance in this new world they had brewed where peace could finally be achieved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lightning. It echoed through the skies like an eerie testament; a warning. Those lonely nights in the Fright zone wore storms like this like a crown. But even now, years later, they still invaded Catra’s mind, plaguing her with desperate nightmares and eerie thoughts.

Catra shot up from her cot with a sharp yelp, hand flying toward her chest, desperately clutching at the fabric residing there. Chest rising and falling erratically. This was no new occurrence for the feline; the lightning and shadows brought by storms reminding of her past abusers, of the horrors the fright zone had so generously gifted her with. Sleeping peacefully through them was an impossibility.

Much like dark and stormy nights years ago, shining, concerned blue eyes and blonde hair greeted her. Small hands clutching her T-shirt softly, nuzzling into her chest.

It used to be Adora. Wide eyes gazing at Catra in concern, fingers running through her untamed hair like a serenade that was conveyed without any words. Staying up all night to make sure Catra was okay. Offering her a smile that would be strong enough make the storm fade away from around her. But now...

"Mom?" Blue orbs gazed up at her in question. Antebellum stirred from below her, slowly sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

She wrapped an arm around the young girl, releasing a breath. “Hey, kid.” She murmured into the young girl’s hair. “Just a nightmare, sorry to wake you."

"Are you scared?" She blinked.

Catra thought for a moment. Her ear didn’t even twitch when the next strike of lightning crashed upon the ground. “Mm.. Not anymore.”

The smile that Antebellum offers her with feels like a tank hitting her at full exertion. It's so Adora that Catra winces at the sight.

Even though it hurt, making her brain buzz with an unattainable nostalgia, she wanted nothing more than to see more of it. She’d do anything to keep seeing it,

for as long as she would live.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for sticking around til the end of this project (: hopefully now that exams are over I can share a lot more pieces with you guys! I have a fic coming up soon, so stay tuned!


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